spoiler {suicide} not me!

If this is a trigger for you: don’t read on

My friend called 2 nights ago, completely suicidal. Another friend and I tried to manage the situation, but yesterday we called 911. They came and got him, but he talked his way out of the hospital. He seems a bit better today, but the scare is not over by a long shot.

I am fine. I know how to cope with this kind of thing. I seem to be the go-to person in this kind of crisis. The problem is he made such a good argument it almost made sense.

Is it possible that this kind of illness is just inevitably fatal in some cases? Is there any way that a mentally ill person can make a rational decision to end their suffering like a cancer patient or someone with end-stage AIDS? Or is the wish to die mutually exclusive with reason? Not sure. At all. In any case, he was definitely too sick to be making this kind of decision yesterday.

How many years must you suffer before you can rationally say it is too much? I’ve been doing this for at least 20 years, he has been struggling for 7. I guess I have always known that if I could no longer manage, death would be an option. I think anyone who has been severely depressed has thought that. There is always a back door.

I am really well these days, but I know in the back of my mind that the self injurous behaviour and suicidal ideation is not that far off. It is almost comforting in times of stress to know I have a way out, or a way to manage the anxiety. I wonder if this is permanent? As if having thought about it once seriously, you will never be completly free of it. Not sure I would want to be.


2 thoughts on “spoiler {suicide} not me!

  1. I would to share with you my thoughts on choosing death of your own free will, because of the torment I read everywhere on so called “suicide”.

    When I was 20yrs old I worked in a geriatric hospital for one year and I saw what could be the end of road. I was happy, married, a nice home and friends and the world laid before me ready to be explored.

    I decided then that I wanted to experience the world but that I would choose when I wish to exit this world. It was that matter of fact! No torment, no “oh my god, Im ill”, none of that, it was simply … one day I will end my life when I choose….. decision made.

    I made this decision with absolute clarity and completely ingnored the socially acceptable norm that it is a sin to end your own life.

    People have often marvelled at my unconventional take on life (mind you I dont confess to my “right to end” decision – people are not ready for that). I have had experiences and adventures that most would envy, and I have been asked many times to write a book on my life.

    People think Im intriguing and I find that odd. I actually find people odd. People always come to me for advice becasue I have an inate way of seeing the world, everything is very clear and again I dont understand how people cannot see whats obvioulsy in front of them… odd. People are drawn to me because I feel that they believe I know something they do not. If anything I have to be a little guarded not to let people get too close because they want to attach themselves to me.

    Does this sound like a mentally ill person that everyone steers clear of? hardly!

    I have had great loves, gone from poor to wealth and now I am 47yrs old. I look very young, I know that I am attractive, I have good health but I also see that the signs of ageing are creeping in.

    Now I have reached a point in my life where I really cant think about what else I would like to do. I have lost interest and as much as I would like to have passion about something I simply cannot find it. I am not depressed, I just believe that the time to exist is nearly here. I’ve simply tired of the ride.

    I think it is sad that some people end their life violently and when they are depressed. This is a decision that needs to be made with complete clarity. I dont like the term suicide, its a terrible word. Its simply social conditioning, and religion and so forth and I could go on and on regarding social conditioning but I digress.

    I know people who live in torment because they have expressed their desire to end their life and then the mental professionals step in and medicate, tell you, you are mentally ill, there is something wrong with you. The confusion these people must endure blows my mind…

    Recently I met someone who has suffered with the fight of suicide all his life and he has been in and out of doctors offices and been given every medication known.

    I told him that I understood why he felt it was his choice, I told him it was not wrong to feel that way, I told him it was okay. I told him it was shame that he felt the pain of the world. What was wrong was that no one taught him how to put up the safety barrier to not absorb all the pain in the world. I told him there was nothing wrong to feel that it was his right to take his life. The relief on his face and shock appeared to melt away the guilt he has harboured all his life – back to social conditioning.

    I have not sat and dwelled “whoa is me”. I have lived a magnificant life and now I dont want to grow old, I just dont want to and I have all the medication necessary to put me to sleep and never wake up again.. No dramatics, no drama, no violence.

    I have begun the process of selling a lot of belongings and I have a cat as well and I have found a good home for her and I have begun that transition there too. I am methodically putting everything in order. I will update my will to ensure that my wealth is spread to family and close friends. 50 was my target year and I am looking forward to leaving…………

    I think its sad if you are one of the many people out there who just know that one day you want to take your life instead of waiting for your physcial body to expire. Society tells you, you’re ill. You’re not… I know many senior people in their 70’s and 80’s and so forth, and most of them admit they are ready to go….. their bodies ache, they have to try to fill their days and the comment “I am waiting to die” comes up a lot…… how sad – I dont want that……

    Break free people and make your own decisions and be happy about those decisions. Listen to yourself…… and do what’s right for you and if that means you are ok with ending your own life one day…. accept it within yourself. If you want to wait until your body expires, that’s okay too….. I personally think that’s crazy, why would anyone do that!! But again I accept that that is ok for probably half the population. Why should the other half feel guilt for what I consider to be their right.

    I hope this helps some people who have lived with the guilt. Dont!

    • I can appreciate your point. If you rationally choose to end your own life, I would not argue with you. We have the right to make the decisions in our lives including when to end it. I would hope that at a young age like 50 you would still be able to see the wonder and the beauty in life. At our age there is love, family, watching children become adults (even if they are not our own), and friends. Perhaps because I have come so close to losing my life so many times I have more of a desire to be alive. My body is starting to complain, but I finally have my mind in decent shape and I don’t want to miss what my future might bring. I suppose that sounds cheesy, but every birthday is a victory for me now.

      The people I am talking about are the ones who are truly mentally ill. In the throes of major depression, mixed states and psychosis, we are in no shape to be making radical decisions like ending your life. In this case the term suicide is appropriate. Suicide is a symptom of a serious illness. It is not just ‘a cry for help’, although it can be. If a person injures themselves in a bid to get help – then they need help! If the only way they can articulate their need is to down a couple of handfuls of benzos, then they probably need more help – and fast – than those of us who can say out loud ‘help me’.

      On Quora, someone asked why successful people might comit suicide. As far as I am concerned, a successful person is just as succeptible to mental illness as anyone else. And the fact that they are successful or high-profile might work against them, in that they might feel that to admit to mental instability would reveal a weakness that could damage their career. Stigma is powerful. It can keep you from asking for help, and even make you believe that you don’t deserve help.

      If a mentally stable person, suffering from a terminal illness, decides to end their life I feel that it is their right. If a person just does not want to grow old, I suppose it is their right as well. Where I think people should step in and intervene, is in the cases where a mentally ill person is just not getting the treatment they need and is sick and in despair. It is possible to live with mental illness, I do. But, this requires treatment: A competent, compassionate psychiatrist, psychotherapy, perhaps some medication, and a great deal of support and understanding from friends, family and employers.

      Unfortunately, these things are in short supply right now. I live in Canada, where we have access to free medical services, but there is still a dearth of good mental health care. Psychiatrists are trained to dispense medications, and have very little training in therapy.

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