Now what?

I applied for a loan from a fund that helps people with mental health issues start businesses. The really cool part was that they offered mentoring as you start and to help you succeed. I got turned down. Mostly because the scope of what I want to do doesn’t match what they usually fund. I kind of knew that going in, but for some reason I am totally crushed.

Maybe I just don’t handle rejection well. Actually, I think it is that this project suddenly seems huge, and scary, and overwhelming, and I don’t know what to do. There are federal and provincial grants and loans available for people starting small businesses, but I’m suddenly afraid that I won’t be eligible for them either. Then I think about how fundamentally insane it is for me to start a business. Then I think about the fact that there would be competitors. Then I think about how bad it would be if it failed. Then I cry a little.

I really want to do this. I can’t find work, and I know there are people like me, and I could employ them. It is a good idea. I’ve run it past several people, and they thought it was less crazy than I did. I am just currently bent under a wallop of self-doubt and a crisis of confidence.

I have to call my elected representative’s office. I wrote them about my idea, and they said to call. I am supposed to talk to someone at the Inclusive Design centre here later in the week. They would be a competitor, but I think my plan is different enough that it might work. There are still things going on, but today I feel like crawling under the blanket on my couch and playing phone games, and pretending that I never put myself out there.

I think healthy people feel things like this too. In fact, I know they do. I just can’t get out of my head that I am overreacting because “CRAZY”, or that somehow I won’t be able to handle doing this because how could someone as broken as me do anything of substance?

Am I going to spend the rest of my life being afraid? I’m afraid of strong emotions. I’m afraid of being overwhelmed. I’m afraid of failing because I don’t know how I will react. I’m just generally terrified of getting sick again, and then that scares me that I won’t ever try anything. Super.

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